I feel let down. Someone who I trust has turned out to be not ready to give me what I had hoped for from our relationship. That's twice this year that I have given a lot and had less in return. The circumstances of the two situations were very different and the people involved played very contrasting parts in my life. But the net result is the same. I am disappointed.
I have always been a private person. That sounds rich, given my weekly outpourings through this blog but that is different because I have no idea who, if anyone, is reading. So it's almost like talking to myself but less certifiable. I have never had barrel-loads of friends who will gather round like clucking hens at the first sign of trouble. Whilst, to an outsider looking in, such camaraderie appears attractive, I don't think I ever give enough of myself to invite it. Those that choose to be friends with me have to see something that they like beneath the surface and wait for it to emerge. There's no instant gratification being friends with Imogen Clark. But I like to think that my friendship is worth waiting for if you are interested enough. I try to be loyal. I can listen and I am quite good at suggesting solutions to issues when they arise. I know that being a good friend goes a whole lot deeper than that but for the purpose of today's thoughts, those are the bits that seem important.
But sometimes I give and get nothing back. That's OK most of the time. People lead very busy lives and are sometimes so wrapped up in their own issues that they don't have much time to devote to someone else's. Overall though, isn't that the essence of a true friendship? Someone who will give as much as they can notwithstanding what else they have on their plate?
I wonder if I expect too much but then I look to my small but loyal group of friends and see that, without exception, they would meet up to my expectations.Perhaps it's my judgement that's gone awry? Maybe the ones that have let me down were never capable of shouldering the burden that I gave them to carry? It is highly likely to be a storm in a teacup and after a brief, but awkward blip our relationship will continue pretty much where it left off. But part of me will be more cautious next time.