This is harder that I thought. You spend years planning what you will do when your youngest goes to school. You build it up to this to some kind of promised land and dream about all the self indulgent ways that you can spend your newly aquired time. My youngest has been in full time education for two months and already things seem to be going off in an unpredicted direction. As I thought might happen I seem to be moving more slowly. When I had very little time to do my housework I did everything at breakneck speed. Now I seem to be spending almost all my time doing what I fitted into 6 hours previously.That's not good.
The second problem that I am encountering is a distinct lack of enthusiam for any of the projects that seemed so enticing when I didn't have time. I suspect that part of the reason is the change of the clocks. I always find the changing of the season down into winter very draining. I am a summer girl and get a bit low as the nights draw in and the weather deteriorates to an overcast chill.
However, I think I am just having more difficulty slotting into my new life style than I could ever have predicted. I need to come up with some new tactics.
Sunday, 23 November 2008
Thursday, 16 October 2008
FIVE DAYS.
Well, that's a strange thing. I have been ill. I am never ill. I have taken to my bed once in the last 8 1/2 years. Well, that's twice now. And when you are ill and can't really function, it doesn't half make you count your blessings.
I was unwell for five days. For two of those I was fit for nothing and in bed or equivalent. For the other three I kept the bare essentials going but did nothing else. Now I am hugely behind in almost all the things that I hoped to achieve and will have to try to catch up next week. Five days.
I have friends with real illness, life threatening things who have been totally debilitated for months on end relying on friends and relations for all their needs. They have to deal with their own fears and the fears of those close to them whilst protecting the children. They can't remember what it feels like to feel well because it has been so long since they took something as fundemental as well being for granted. Being ill is a full time occupation. Five days.
I am well again. A bit thin and low on power but better. If I believed in God I would thank Him for my health. As it is I shall just have to continue to count my lucky stars.
I was unwell for five days. For two of those I was fit for nothing and in bed or equivalent. For the other three I kept the bare essentials going but did nothing else. Now I am hugely behind in almost all the things that I hoped to achieve and will have to try to catch up next week. Five days.
I have friends with real illness, life threatening things who have been totally debilitated for months on end relying on friends and relations for all their needs. They have to deal with their own fears and the fears of those close to them whilst protecting the children. They can't remember what it feels like to feel well because it has been so long since they took something as fundemental as well being for granted. Being ill is a full time occupation. Five days.
I am well again. A bit thin and low on power but better. If I believed in God I would thank Him for my health. As it is I shall just have to continue to count my lucky stars.
Sunday, 5 October 2008
MY JOB
When I was fourteen, I decided that I wanted to be a solicitor when I grew up. I remember the moment quite clearly. I was in music lesson with Mr Storey ( who turned out to be the teacher who had the most influence on my life in many other ways too). The thought just came to me. I wasn't even sure what being a solicitor involved but it was exciting and I have always loved to have a goal so that was that. I went home and told my parents and everyone seemed to approve. The die was cast.
Now that I had my goal it gave things a greater structure. I did arts and languages for my "O" levels including Latin ( for all those tags). This lead to a similar theme with "A" levels- English for language, History for independent thinking and research, French because I was good at it and I needed high grades!
From school to university where I studied law. This was the least satisfactory part of my grand plan. I didn't enjoy my course as much as I had hoped and found my fellow students to be generally silly and immature.This makes me sound dreadfully boring but actually I had a highly developed sense of responsibility so I never missed a lecture, cleaned the flat when it was my turn and never spent more money than I had. All these things meant that I missed out on what students usually did and I found the whole experience a bit odd.
The "Milk Round" came to town and firms of high profile lawyers all set about interviewing bunches of prospective articled clerks and creaming off the brightest or most interesting candidates. I had decided that the bright lights of London weren't calling to me. I already had a place at Law School there and felt that that was enough to get the measure of the place. At that time the second legal centre in the country was Leeds, sadly a little close to home for my liking but with my sights set high as usual I tried to shine in my interviews and came away with a couple of offers. One was from Booth and Co, a large firm by the standards of the day with rich cream and blue vellum notepaper which felt heavy and important. I accepted the offer and finished my degree.
Law School was much, much better. This was what I had thought it was all about. Finding solutions to problems, thinking round issues, being "commercial ". It was by far and away the most challenging of my academic achievements to date, not least because of the incredible volume of work that we had to get through but I knew that I was nearly there. Only two more years as an articled clerk to go.
It was 1989 when I rode in the lift up to the second floor of Sovereign House in my new electric blue suit with a fellow clerk callled Adrian who remains to this day a true and valued friend. It was the start of my career in the legal world.
Now that I had my goal it gave things a greater structure. I did arts and languages for my "O" levels including Latin ( for all those tags). This lead to a similar theme with "A" levels- English for language, History for independent thinking and research, French because I was good at it and I needed high grades!
From school to university where I studied law. This was the least satisfactory part of my grand plan. I didn't enjoy my course as much as I had hoped and found my fellow students to be generally silly and immature.This makes me sound dreadfully boring but actually I had a highly developed sense of responsibility so I never missed a lecture, cleaned the flat when it was my turn and never spent more money than I had. All these things meant that I missed out on what students usually did and I found the whole experience a bit odd.
The "Milk Round" came to town and firms of high profile lawyers all set about interviewing bunches of prospective articled clerks and creaming off the brightest or most interesting candidates. I had decided that the bright lights of London weren't calling to me. I already had a place at Law School there and felt that that was enough to get the measure of the place. At that time the second legal centre in the country was Leeds, sadly a little close to home for my liking but with my sights set high as usual I tried to shine in my interviews and came away with a couple of offers. One was from Booth and Co, a large firm by the standards of the day with rich cream and blue vellum notepaper which felt heavy and important. I accepted the offer and finished my degree.
Law School was much, much better. This was what I had thought it was all about. Finding solutions to problems, thinking round issues, being "commercial ". It was by far and away the most challenging of my academic achievements to date, not least because of the incredible volume of work that we had to get through but I knew that I was nearly there. Only two more years as an articled clerk to go.
It was 1989 when I rode in the lift up to the second floor of Sovereign House in my new electric blue suit with a fellow clerk callled Adrian who remains to this day a true and valued friend. It was the start of my career in the legal world.
Tuesday, 30 September 2008
NOT IN THE PLAN
I have a job.
That wasn't part of the plan. I abandoned the old one in May 2000. A new broom for the new Millennium. The eldest child ( there were only two to go at in those days) was three and we were starting to address the thought that before long nursery would no longer be an option and we would have to come up with an alternative for when she started school. I have no idea why people say that it is easier to work as your children get older. What could be easier than taking them to nursery which covers the bulk of the working day, feeds them three meals and only requires you to go in during working hours at Christmas? Suddenly were going to have to deal with ludicrously short days, more holidays than I could ever imagine and lots of parent participation.
What to do? We thought about nanny shares and child minders. After school clubs were in their infancy in those days and so not really an option. We gradually came round to the idea of me giving up work and the idea hung there between us for some time. It was well over a year until a decision had to be made.
And then, one fateful day in February my husband was out and I had two of my closest friends round for supper. I told them of my embryonic plan to perhaps resign the following May. " Why wait?" they asked. "Why not go now?" Why not indeed? Scary but having started to think about leaving I knew that I would be treading water until then and might even start to resent having to go. And so, after a quick session with a calculator my resignation was duly offered and on May 4th 2000 I left and began a new phase of my life.
That phase continued until last week when the youngest finally started his full time education and a new one began. The aforementioned and long dreamed about phase that involves time to myself when I can start and finish projects, have lunch with friends and be able to wear my ipod while I clean as no one will be shouting for me elsewhere in the house. And I have a job....?
That wasn't part of the plan. I abandoned the old one in May 2000. A new broom for the new Millennium. The eldest child ( there were only two to go at in those days) was three and we were starting to address the thought that before long nursery would no longer be an option and we would have to come up with an alternative for when she started school. I have no idea why people say that it is easier to work as your children get older. What could be easier than taking them to nursery which covers the bulk of the working day, feeds them three meals and only requires you to go in during working hours at Christmas? Suddenly were going to have to deal with ludicrously short days, more holidays than I could ever imagine and lots of parent participation.
What to do? We thought about nanny shares and child minders. After school clubs were in their infancy in those days and so not really an option. We gradually came round to the idea of me giving up work and the idea hung there between us for some time. It was well over a year until a decision had to be made.
And then, one fateful day in February my husband was out and I had two of my closest friends round for supper. I told them of my embryonic plan to perhaps resign the following May. " Why wait?" they asked. "Why not go now?" Why not indeed? Scary but having started to think about leaving I knew that I would be treading water until then and might even start to resent having to go. And so, after a quick session with a calculator my resignation was duly offered and on May 4th 2000 I left and began a new phase of my life.
That phase continued until last week when the youngest finally started his full time education and a new one began. The aforementioned and long dreamed about phase that involves time to myself when I can start and finish projects, have lunch with friends and be able to wear my ipod while I clean as no one will be shouting for me elsewhere in the house. And I have a job....?
Tuesday, 23 September 2008
JUMPIN' FISH
And they're off! Day two of the rest of my life. So far so good. Autumn-time and the living is easy. Fish are jumpin' and the cotton is high. Well, not literally but I am enjoying myself so far. What is the most surprising is how relaxed I am. I have carried out my usual household chores with a spring in my step. I can't believe how much I can get done when there is only me in the equation. It's as if someone has taken my day and stretched it. Does this mean I am achieving more or less? Perhaps I am in danger of over analyzing? Goodness me. Surely not!
All seems to be well with Littlest's school career. Came home yesterday ( first full day ) with reading book and school pants. Hmmm thought I. Not an accident at school on first day. I asked him casually. His face beamed back at me. Turns out he had gone commando on a PE day. Bet that gave his teacher a laugh. Pants were order of the day this morning. A little bit of independence and it all goes awry.
Eldest found some white netball socks but then got another written comment for walking to her locker in a scarf. In my day there were cloakrooms for coats and such like but no longer it seems. There is nowhere to keep any form of outer garment other than an inconveniently situated and smallish locker. It's autumn. It's chilly in the morning. She wore a scarf and got done! When questioned why she had not told the teacher that she was just at her locker and taking it off she said that she had not wanted to appear rude. Another parental dilemma. Show respect to your elders. Defend yourself in moments of conflict. Which prevails? One more written comment and she gets a detention and neither offence so far,in my view as a biased and ill informed parent, justified the punishment. So what should she do? Inform the teacher politely that she was just putting the scarf away - in effect answering back or take the punishment and hope that nothing else goes wrong. When I first received the text confessing to the written comment I was furious with the school, the system, the injustice of it. I rang husband and ranted at him. And yet she had done exactly what I would hope of her. I complain to my friends about how little respect children seem to pay to adults and then feel outraged when someone sees fit to criticize my child. This is going to be a steep learning curve for both of us.
All seems to be well with Littlest's school career. Came home yesterday ( first full day ) with reading book and school pants. Hmmm thought I. Not an accident at school on first day. I asked him casually. His face beamed back at me. Turns out he had gone commando on a PE day. Bet that gave his teacher a laugh. Pants were order of the day this morning. A little bit of independence and it all goes awry.
Eldest found some white netball socks but then got another written comment for walking to her locker in a scarf. In my day there were cloakrooms for coats and such like but no longer it seems. There is nowhere to keep any form of outer garment other than an inconveniently situated and smallish locker. It's autumn. It's chilly in the morning. She wore a scarf and got done! When questioned why she had not told the teacher that she was just at her locker and taking it off she said that she had not wanted to appear rude. Another parental dilemma. Show respect to your elders. Defend yourself in moments of conflict. Which prevails? One more written comment and she gets a detention and neither offence so far,in my view as a biased and ill informed parent, justified the punishment. So what should she do? Inform the teacher politely that she was just putting the scarf away - in effect answering back or take the punishment and hope that nothing else goes wrong. When I first received the text confessing to the written comment I was furious with the school, the system, the injustice of it. I rang husband and ranted at him. And yet she had done exactly what I would hope of her. I complain to my friends about how little respect children seem to pay to adults and then feel outraged when someone sees fit to criticize my child. This is going to be a steep learning curve for both of us.
Monday, 8 September 2008
GUILT AND MEA CULPA
So I am a week in and things don't seem very different so far. We are still on mornings only so it's just like playgroup but with a uniform and a greater feeling of significance.
So whilst that ticks on I am yet again guilt riden. Guilt is the default setting of the modern woman. I don't know anyone who isn't feeling guilt about something most days. Did my grandmother's generation, who were brought up to give up their careers on marriage and then spent their lives making a home for their family, feel guilt like we do. I don't feel guilty about not working. I work hard enough making everything run smoothly. However,what they have eaten, whether they watched too much television today, whether I have done enough to encourage their friendships and other nightmares trouble me regularly. Perhaps I have too much time to think.
Anyway, todays' guilt was focused on my eldest who started at high school last week. She came home with a written comment in her planner. Two more and she gets a detention. And her offence? Not having white socks for netball. She didn't have white socks because I misread the uniform list. It was all my fault. Mea culpa and yet it was her planner that was blotted. I am not so naive to think that there won't be others and we may well end up with a detention before the end of term for a whole variety of misdeameanors. But this was not her fault.
Husband was outraged. How dare they punish her on the very first netball lesson? I understand the need to come down hard on failings . We all know about starting as we mean to go on. But this was all down to me.
But what to do? Do we ignore it and chalk it up to experience? Resign ourselves to the thought that our eldest is not perfect and is bound to get some written comments. No. My sense of justice was challenged. At the risk of looking like a pushy parent, a role I have not stepped in to before, I wrote a message in the parents' comment section taking the blame and asking for forgiveness. We shall have to see what happens next..
So whilst that ticks on I am yet again guilt riden. Guilt is the default setting of the modern woman. I don't know anyone who isn't feeling guilt about something most days. Did my grandmother's generation, who were brought up to give up their careers on marriage and then spent their lives making a home for their family, feel guilt like we do. I don't feel guilty about not working. I work hard enough making everything run smoothly. However,what they have eaten, whether they watched too much television today, whether I have done enough to encourage their friendships and other nightmares trouble me regularly. Perhaps I have too much time to think.
Anyway, todays' guilt was focused on my eldest who started at high school last week. She came home with a written comment in her planner. Two more and she gets a detention. And her offence? Not having white socks for netball. She didn't have white socks because I misread the uniform list. It was all my fault. Mea culpa and yet it was her planner that was blotted. I am not so naive to think that there won't be others and we may well end up with a detention before the end of term for a whole variety of misdeameanors. But this was not her fault.
Husband was outraged. How dare they punish her on the very first netball lesson? I understand the need to come down hard on failings . We all know about starting as we mean to go on. But this was all down to me.
But what to do? Do we ignore it and chalk it up to experience? Resign ourselves to the thought that our eldest is not perfect and is bound to get some written comments. No. My sense of justice was challenged. At the risk of looking like a pushy parent, a role I have not stepped in to before, I wrote a message in the parents' comment section taking the blame and asking for forgiveness. We shall have to see what happens next..
Wednesday, 3 September 2008
IT BEGINS
Off he went in his new shoes and his red sweatshirt. Suddenly he looked so small. Well he is small but he looked all clean and tidy and small. But what he lacked in stature he made up for in enthusiasm. School has been a long time coming. He has waited in the playground all his life. Most of the teachers and a wide selection of pupils know him by name as the fourth in the Clark dynasty. He knows the routines, can name a few dinner ladies and is on chatting terms with the Headmaster. It really was time that he actually had a place in his own right.
We took photos and skipped off down the hill to school with Daddy in tow because of the momentousness of the occasion. In he went, finding his peg adorned with a picture of a bat on the way. Just time to give mum a big hug and a huge smile and he was gone. And that was it. Almost an anticlimax. No tears from either of us - not that I expected any. I have spent so long thinking about this day that I knew pretty accurately how I would react.
So I went home. On my own. I hadn't made a plan. It was very quiet.I am used to him not being there but this was different - more significant somehow. And so I sat at the table and tried to plan. Planning is what I do but not today.A quick clear up after breakfast and then in sat in the last few sun rays of the summer and read my book.
We took photos and skipped off down the hill to school with Daddy in tow because of the momentousness of the occasion. In he went, finding his peg adorned with a picture of a bat on the way. Just time to give mum a big hug and a huge smile and he was gone. And that was it. Almost an anticlimax. No tears from either of us - not that I expected any. I have spent so long thinking about this day that I knew pretty accurately how I would react.
So I went home. On my own. I hadn't made a plan. It was very quiet.I am used to him not being there but this was different - more significant somehow. And so I sat at the table and tried to plan. Planning is what I do but not today.A quick clear up after breakfast and then in sat in the last few sun rays of the summer and read my book.
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